Understanding preteen brains helps you respond to your child

Parenting a middle schooler in today's times can be a challenge. Your preteen acts like he knows everything, and at times he seems so grown up.

The important word is "seems." It doesn't matter how "cool" your child acts--it will be years before he thinks like an adult. Keep in mind that:

Emotional thinking usually wins out over rational thinking at this age. That's why middle schoolers may lash out if they think they've been "dissed." Your child is not ready to stop and think: "I'd better cool it, because I might get in trouble." He responds with emotion only.
Have your child practice instant responses, such as shaking his head and walking away. Counting to 10 before blowing his top can work, too. And don't take angry comments your child may make to you personally.
Your child lives in the moment. He doesn't grasp that his semester grade may drop if he doesn't study tonight for his test. To him, the end of the semester is light-years away. What he does tonight can't possibly affect the end of the semester.
Don't force your middle schooler to make a connection he is not ready to make. Instead, set firm rules about studying and stick to them.

Spending Time Together

Spend meaningful time talking with your middle schooler

One of the best ways to spend time with your preteen is also one of the easiest: It's talking. According to research, adolescent girls rate chatting as the thing they most enjoy doing with their moms.

Unfortunately, girls often get frustrated during conversations because they believe their moms:

Ask too many questions.
Are too quick to judge.
Just "don't get it."
Say the wrong thing.

Complaints aside, preteen girls want--and need--to have meaningful talks with their moms. To get the most from the time you spend chatting with your preteen:

Listen. You may have a hundred things to do, but if your preteen wants to talk, be there for her.
Don't shut her down. Avoid phrases like, "You don't mean that," or, "You can't really feel that way." They're big roadblocks to conversation and may make your preteen less likely to open up.
Accept her viewpoint. Hearing out your preteen isn't the same as agreeing with her. It's a way to show you respect her opinions

Building Self-Esteem

Build your child's self-esteem with love, discipline

Self-esteem has been talked about so much that it has almost gotten a bad name. But this quality is important for all of us--we all need to feel that we have value and that we are competent, capable individuals.

Experts agree that parents can build self-esteem in their children with a two-pronged approach. First, never put boundaries on your love for your child. Second, always put boundaries on what your child may do.

For the first:

Make it clear that you love your child as she is.
Spend time with her and enjoy her company.
Encourage your child and take interest in her activities.
Respect your child.

For the second:

Be clear about family rules, including consequences.
Be consistent when enforcing rules.
Stand firm. Do not back down because your child gets angry.

Reprinted with permission from the November 2009 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter.