October 2009

Aim for total clarity when setting expectations for your preteen

When your child was small, you used clear, concrete language to convey your expectations. Why? You wanted to make sure she could understand and comprehend.

Now your child is older, but clear expectations are still the way to go. With a preteen or young teen, anything less gives her too much "wiggle room." At this age, do not give your child an out. She just might take it. Instead:

• Speak in terms of what you want and the expectations you have. Telling your child what she must do may not work. In the end you cannot control her behavior. You can only control yours. "I expect you to complete your homework before you leave the house," is more effective than, "You'd better do your homework now."
• Encourage your child to be clear about her own expectations. If she says she expects an A on the next test, have her tell you exactly how she plans to get there. Writing down the plan is even better.
• Discuss teachers' expectations. "When Mrs. Jones tells you on Friday that you have a test on Monday, what does she expect?" If you get a blank look in return, supply the answer for your child. "She expects you to start reviewing the material right away so that you will be prepared on Monday."

Test Success

Reduce your middle schooler's test anxiety with preparation

Does the thought of an upcoming math test give your middle schooler sweaty palms and a stomachache? Help her prepare for the big event and she may be less nervous about it. Here's how:

• Remind her not to cram. One frantic night of studying won't pay off on test day. Instead, your preteen should begin preparing at least one week in advance. That way, if she doesn't understand something, she'll have time to get help before the test.
• Use the textbook and class notes. Are there practice tests in your middle schooler's math book? Encourage her to take them as she prepares for the big exam. If there aren't any, see if you can help her create a practice quiz by using her notes from class.
• Have her ask for clarification. If your preteen is unsure of what's going to be on the test, have her ask her teacher. Few things are scarier than the unknown, so the more information she has, the more confident she may feel.
• Help her take care of herself. Make sure your preteen is rested and fed on exam day. Be sure she gets enough sleep the night before and offer her a healthful breakfast that morning.

Peer Pressure

Let the power of positive peer pressure work for your preteen

You've heard the horror stories: Peer pressure is dangerous. It causes otherwise good kids to do bad things.

While it's true that negative peer pressure can lead to trouble, there's such a thing as positive peer pressure, too. Unlike its negative counterpart, positive peer pressure may encourage kids to:

• Work hard (or harder) in school.
• Try a new sport or other healthful activity.
• Develop a good attitude about school or themselves.
• Behave more respectfully toward teachers and other adults.

One way to help your preteen enjoy the benefits of positive peer pressure is to nudge him toward honest, decent friends. You can't choose his friends, but you can influence the sorts of kids he selects if you:

• Talk about what makes a good friend. "Would a friend put you in a dangerous situation? Would he enjoy seeing you get in trouble?"
• Reinforce your values. "A real friend stands up for you when someone else tries to force you to do something. He wants you to do the right--not the wrong--thing."

As great as positive peer pressure is, don't rely on it constantly. Whether it's joining the drama club or trying out for wrestling, your preteen's reasons for pursuing something should go beyond "because all my friends are doing it."

Reprinted with permission from the October 2009 issue of Parents Still make the difference!® (Middle School Edition) newsletter.